It has been 3 weeks since I last wrote! That just seems almost impossible…yet thinking about where my mind has been in that time, it makes sense. I guess I am sort of in a cloud of despair. I am so torn up because I am stuck between my symptoms and the side effects of my medication. I recently had to reduce my antipsychotic dosage to counter the side effects but as a result, my paranoia is increased. I am feeling more like hiding out in the safety of my room and not interacting even with my family. The problem (or maybe challenge is a better word) is that my paranoia never fully went away on my meds, it just reduced in intensity. And I don’t know how to share this with those I need to because I am scared they will get angry with me that I am not getting back to “normal” despite taking medication… yet my lack of honesty is probably inhibiting me somehow. I know what I need to do, but I am terrified to do it.
I feel like this illness is stealing from my very soul…taking all that I am and leaving a shell, a ghost of a being capable of anything. I feel like I have nothing left to give, all I have is a tiny amount of hope keeping me alive. I literally go through life hour by hour, because lately even days seem too hard to conquer. I am fighting to keep will to live, yet I am constantly asking myself why I bother. Why do I stay on and struggle with schizophrenia? Why not just give up already?
All I want is to bring a little light into this world and perhaps even help shed some understanding into what it means to have schizophrenia and live with it. To help those without it gain some insight and to let those with it know they are not alone.
There’s a certain clarity that comes in your darkest hours…the point that you’re on the precipice of existence and contemplating all that is your life. When you’re fighting to find reasons why you should live but instead all you can come up with is reasons not to end it. When your reasons are people and the added shame your suicide would bring to them, which is nothing they deserve…and so you’re left hanging on to life, existing but not living a life worth talking about.
This is how I feel, and it may be wrong to talk about it so openly but I am tired of hiding how crappy I feel! Tired of faking a sense of normalcy and productiveness when the truth is I am wasting away and not sure how to stop it. I am fighting my mind in the most basic of ways and scared of the most irrational of things. But I don’t talk about it, I just say what people need to hear meanwhile inside I am breaking down bit by bit… And last night was the culmination of this shattering process. I was forced to face the fact that I am not well at all.
I am struggling with my schizophrenia and got caught up in the lie that the medication would be a quick fix, I knew better yet I somehow believed that by now my whole life would magically be fixed by sleeping pills and antipsychotics. It’s been 2 weeks since the change and all I feel is pervasive drowsiness dragging me down and this feeling has sucked all productiveness from my life. So now it seems I have a choice- less meds, more symptoms but some level of work possible or more meds, less symptoms but no work at all? At least before I felt crappy but working gave me a sense of purpose, now I feel a different crappy but being purposeless is making me question the point of living to suffer every day.
In the midst of the insomnia that struck last night, I realized something I refused to previously acknowledge…not all my symptoms are gone despite the increased dose of antipsychotics. It is for this reason I have been having a hard time showering, because I believe the cameras have been moved to that room and they’re watching me when I am vulnerable and planning to strike then. I blamed the lack of will to shower on the drowsiness but while that plays a role it was not the whole story, but I am scared to admit the truth to my carers and instead face their wrath and frustration rather than admit this weakness. Even though it is not my fault for thinking this, is it? Is it my fault they watch me and try to communicate with me?
In the darkness, all these insecurities reach through, all these questions about living…there’s a clarity that grips you and shakes you down to your core where you can admit nothing but the truth, where the lies you use to cover up your uncertainty in the light are made powerless and you’re left open and honest, just as you are…admitting that you’re suicidal and that’s just the way it is, plain and simple, honest and true.
I haven’t been feeling myself for a while now and I wish I knew what it was that changed. I haven’t been sleeping that well even on the meds, and I feel exhausted all the time. I feel blah, don’t have a better word for it and it seems to have sucked all energy from me. Even leaving bed is hard, staying up beyond 7 pm is a fight too. I don’t know what it is but I don’t like it, I feel so low that even typing this is taking all my energy. At least with the paranoia I have energy, this is a whole other ball park of lack of feeling. I don’t like it at all, wish it’d go away and just leave me as I was last week
Since I used the phone for a call yesterday, everyone can read my thoughts… I knew I shouldn’t have made the call but I was feeling like I could do it safely, I was in a safe space. Yet the phone still became a magnifier and projected my thoughts for everyone to hear. It makes it hard to function and I couldn’t fall asleep yesterday because of that.
I wonder how other people use their phones all day, making calls and laughing yet I cannot hear their thoughts after. It is because I am the only target of this exposure, I feel that this plot against me aims to ruin me completely by breaking me down mentally… They use the voices to distract me, the shadow men to follow and observe me, they replace those around me with clones to monitor me and have cameras everywhere so they always watch me. Thank goodness for my guardian who guides me on how to survive this intact, giving me advice and telling me who to trust, I wouldn’t be here without that input into my mind, they’re the only one who can use the mind input and they use it to keep me as safe as possible on a given day.
I didn’t sleep much last night because I used the phone without the guardian’s approval but hopefully today won’t be too bad, only feeling a normal amount of paranoid and no voices so hoping it’ll be a good day..!
I am in a place of reflection, I guess, feeling very level headed after last weekend’s episode. It seems surreal that I was so lost in my mind and believing all the things I was hearing. It seems implausible that I can be so normal today and then will one day be thrown into the depths of inescapable irrationality aka psychosis. How quickly and swiftly the mind can betray!
I think what scares me the most is the fact that there was no warning before the delusions and hallucinations kicked in, it was all very sudden. And that means that it can potentially happen again. The thought alone is scary because the experience is like being stuck in a nightmare with no escape and where nothing makes sense.
I’m kinda down that this happened…know I shouldn’t see it this way, but I see it as a weakness on my part. Like I was not strong enough to hold on to my sanity. I feel like the fight for normality is not worth it, I am in a bit of a bad place mentally and just trying to hold on…One day at a time, appreciating a clear mind when I am graced with it and trudging along through this mess that we call life.
I guess it is simply in the nature of schizophrenia to strike out of nowhere. After I have been doing so well, 3 days ago I slipped into a severely paranoid state and was hearing voices again. It was such a scary time, and not being able to sleep didn’t help matters. I cannot gather the words to try and get across what paranoia feels like because it goes beyond simple fear. The sheer terror that grips you is so overwhelming and unbelievable, and whatever delusion drives the paranoia becomes the only reality that exists. I believed that because I didn’t obey my voices, they were turning everyone against me and they were going to send people to come and take me away and hurt me. Looking back now, it is easy to dismiss those thoughts and say they don’t make sense. Yet at the time, nothing could convince me otherwise.
I also felt like I was being watched and there were cameras every where, even in my room. And the voices had the shadows I see watching my every move. (It’s funny that even describing all this has my heart rate speeding up a little.)
There was this whole conspiracy working against me, and the thing is that a little part of me still believes all this is happening. I am just able to argue with myself now. This is my usual existence, pulling myself away from the edge, away from falling off into my own reality. I spend most days at war for my sanity which is something that sounds like a simple task, just say “it’s not real” and move on, right? Wrong. It is a constant effort on my part to not give in and let paranoia and delusions take over. They are always creeping at the edge of my consciousness.
I know one of the quick questions is, “Did you stop taking your medication?” and the answer is no. I have been faithfully taking my meds, even when the voices try to convince me it is poison…even then I force myself to take it, which is why my slipping into a paranoid state was unexpected and quite taxing.
Right now, it is so tempting to just give up fighting…what’s the point when it seems that no matter what I keep losing to this illness? What’s the point when eventually the schizophrenia wins? I honestly don’t have an answer to those questions. And I think the only reason I push on is so I don’t let my family down. I fight for them. All I hope is that this will give me reason enough because without a reason, I don’t see how I can hold on to sanity. Without a reason, there’s no fighting the insanity.